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Demons

by Samuel Fickie

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1.
I've got demons in my closet that'd make your skeletons look cute but still my mom thinks i'm a prophet and my dad is just confused and I'm here trying to get through this life alive I never claimed to have solutions for the problems of today no answer for pollution or polar caps melting away No I'm just trying to get through this life alive And so I try, and I try, and strive To find that split second of happiness between the glitter and the gold like the morning's when I wake to find your lips upon my throat so that when I'm close to 90 and lay down for the last time I can go knowing I live a life, alive I never cared much for religion and politics are quite the bore with the impending amalgamation that will no doubt end in another war it's unlikely I'll get through this life alive But still I try, and I try, and strive To find that split second of happiness between the glitter and the gold like the morning's when I wake to find your lips upon my throat so that when I'm close to 90 and lay down for the last time I can go knowing I live a life, alive
2.
Never been much for making right decisions Impulsive and irrational, I am Never stop to think twice about the consequences Of not seeking help to fix myself can bring But I don't care, because it's comfortable here But I'm also aware of the loneliness that's partnered with The pain that has been haunting me from the pending rediscovery that my actions are the reason you're not here So if I see a doctor And if he gives me pills If I give up on dreaming Will you then want me still If I become a zombie And bend to your every will Will you cut me some slack And say you love me and you want me still Never considered myself to be a lady killer I stumble and I mumble through my words Taking every joke inappropriately further, being loud and obnoxious is my curse But I don't care, cause it's so comfortable here But I'm also aware that I'm virtually unlovable physically untouchable, emotionally unreachable like an old dog I'm unteachable and worse of all it's all inside my head So if I read some books on how I can be better a man If I attend a lecture Will you respect me then Or kiss my in front of your family Or see me against their will Will you cut me some slack and say You love me and you want me still Yet I know that's it's improbable for a girl like you to love a man As insecure and incomplete as me But if it's all the same, I'd like to say that it'd help me change To know that you'd still want me even if I never did. Samuel Fickie © 2013
3.
There's a secret place In a mid-western state Where I fold my clothes And I hang up all my clothes You could it my house But it'll never be my home Yes it's got all my things My pictures and my strings All the do-dats that hung before back when I had that room of war But I close my eyes and click my heels And I dream about a home mmm, home that's where I wanna be mmm, home alone, just you, just me Do you remember the time We went for a Sunday drive Down that shaded road It got dark and it got cold But we rolled our windows down And our airplane hands flew us home And then we parked our car And made love under the stars In the middle of that field Back when our love seemed so surreal There was no fear in your teenage eyes And for an hour we were home mmm, home that's where I wanna be mmm, home alone, just you, just me Samuel Fickie © 2013
4.
I found a secluded spot for my home I made it from brick and from mortar and stone It was a house where I could be alone A place to heal all of my hearts broken bones I locked the door and I threw away the key So that nobody could ever find me I prefer solitude over company Cause it’s the one who’s always there for me I got too comfortable in my old ways Lost sight of everyone and everything Held back by regret for mistakes I’d made I dug, fell into, and somehow filled this grave Now I just lay here, there’s mud in my eyes Above ground it’s raining, my Father, He cries, “Son, I’d been waiting for you a while, Didn’t you know that I died for you and for that smile?” I gotta get away I think I’ll leave today I’ll just get on a train Or maybe a plane Tell, what’s that you say? You think that I should stay? But I hear a world calling my name And they need me more today Killing my softly; my malfunctioned pride The Sword of the Spirit spills blood from my side Words from my sister send chills up my spine I feel so dead, but she says I’m alive There’s so much more to this than you and me So shake of your immature insecurities I know you feel blind but it’s easy to see Just open your heart and allow it to believe I gotta get away I think I’ll leave today I’ll just get on a train Maybe I’ll take a plane Cause I got something to say Probably not what you’d think But I hear a world calling out for His name And they need Him more than me today Samuel Fickie © 2013
5.
I'm not saying that it's wrong when it feels so darn right Cause I've waited 2 years too long to be here with you tonight I'm not saying you should go write off and break all your rules I'm just saying that I like you and I think you're pretty cool I'm not asking you to to stop persuing any dreams cause I know that you've got your plans and that they don't all include me i'm not asking you to stop getting your answers from that book i'm just asking you to open up your eyes and take a look cause we go together like green eggs and ham like internet explorer. We're pop up and spam like yellow lines and parking lots we go together like polka and dots I don't care if you find out all the secrets of my past Because all of those mistakes Led me here to you at last I don't care if you expose the skeletons behind my clothes I just hope you know a way for me to get rid of all these bones Cause we go together like Johnny & June Like snow flakes and December or spring break and Cancun Like Sherlock Holmes and a mystery plot We go together like polka and dots We're just like Batman and Robin Or the Lady and the Tramp There ain't nothing that can stop us You just have to let me in Cause we go together like p.b. and j. like cocain and the 80s (ah, who am I trying to kid) like cocain and today Like broken hearts and whiskey shots we go together like polka and dots And just Like those Businessmen and get rich quick get scams We go together We go together We go together Like no one else can
6.
Dear God, I've been feeling crazy lately and I don't know how I can shake it off me, I could use a little bit of help right now Cause I feel like too much water filling up inside a small balloon I have stretched myself out and pretty soon here I'm gonna go ka-boom Every second I'm awake you know that girl is on my mind Even though I promised her and myself I wouldn't over obsess this time I still hear the demons in my head, they're pushing me to act this way Resulting in me doing things that I know just push her farther away Give me love or give me drugs, just something to clear out my mind Maybe a lobotomy of my heart could help me to walk the line I can't stomach it, I wake up feeling sicker almost everyday I just can't accept I'm on the right track or that I was born this way Take my mind Take my mind Clear it out One more time Give me strength And some self control Help me to get a grip On this situation as a whole and help me out
7.
I don't know which one is harder Falling asleep or waking up All I know is you're not here And I don't know which one is smarter Tossing your pictures or packing them away All I know is you're not here You're not here in the morning You're not here in the night You're not here when I'm mourning You're not here when everything's alright You're not here when I want you You're not here when I need you You're not here when I miss you You're not here and that's all I know I don't know what's more realistic Waiting for you or just trying to move on All I know is you're not here And I don't know about these statistics Your track record being compared to mine All I know is you're not here You're not here when I'm laughing You're not here when I cry You're not here when I'm asking You're not here when I wanna die You're not here when I want you You're not here when I need you You're not here when I miss you You're not here and that's all I know (I know) you love me Cause you told me on Sunday But that don't mean that it doesn't hurt It's in the way you treat me When I'm feeling so lonely And all I want from you is three words I don't know which one is harder Falling asleep or waking up
8.
The Preacher says you’re up in heaven Whether you are, I don’t know If you are I bet you’re happy And if you’re not, then where’d you go? But saying you’re up in this “heaven” If you happen to see god Could you for me, just once mention That since he took you I feel lost So I’ve been thinking I might join you For an eternity of bliss Where we’d both stay young forever In an everlasting kiss I got my finger on the trigger Darling, I will see you soon I close my eyes and pull it gently And stain my walls a dark maroon But when I open them you’re not there All I can see is black and red The temperature is steadily rising And there’s a pounding in my head I wander aimlessly through darkness Thinking about what that preacher said And then I see a sign before me It says, “Welcome all, ye dead.” I hope you’re happy up in heaven While I’m burning up in hell
9.
Well the thing I love about you more than anything Is when you are mine, you're mine Just like anytime you sit me down and ask about my day Everybody else around us seems to fade away And you are mine, and I know I am yours And the thing I love about you second best would be The way you say my name, my name You've said it like my sisters and even just like my mother I've come to face the facts you'll never say it as my lover Still, you're mine and I know I am yours Now the third runner up I'd have to say Would definitely be your hair, your hair The way it lays, and the way it flows, the way the sun rays make it glow The way it compliments your skin, girl, the way you always do me ine You're mine and I know I am yours Have I told you red is my favorite color That I love it more than any other Never met nobody like you, no not another You are my big sister, I'm your little brother Time may try to take us, this world may try to break us There's a special bond between us that just can't be shaken The love I have for you, you know I couldn't fake it When I think of I you baby I know I'm gonna make And now the fourth and last but certainly not the least I must confess would be your strength, your strength How you never seem to quit no, in fact you only persevere It makes a guy like me like he can brave another year knowing you are mine and I'll always be yours Well the thing I love about you more than anything Is when you're mine... You are mine.
10.
I awoke in a jolt to the sound Of the jarring sirens rebounding Off a nearby home and then directly onto mine I arose to see a sky not blue But green and dark and sad, but lovely The temperature was warm as was the blood around my bones Oh the city scurried off in worry The children grabbed their favorite toys As the parents all said their hail mary's And ducked for cover in the basement But I just sat on my front porch and I waited for salvation Cause if there's gonna be a twister than I've gotta see it And if there's any chance of lift off Than by god, I wanna be in it Cause I wanna go where Dorothy walked down that yellow road Where nobody knows me or any of the mistakes that I've made I could find me some courage To face the day without you by my side And maybe a new heart and a brain to help me out along the way And then the rains subsided in an instant As if it was almost never there That's when I heard the rumble coming toward me like a train And seven funnels formed before my eyes And ripped right through those rail road ties And as if in a predetermined course, headed straight into my arms Oh, I closed my eyes and said a prayer As I was lifted up in the air And when my feet touched down again This black and white life I used to live in Was suddenly now technicolored And I felt like I'd seen the face of god Because I made it through the twister And somewhere over the rainbow Where the flowers are all little people And my best friend is a scarecrow Cause I wanna go where Dorothy walked down that yellow road Where nobody knows me or any of the mistakes that I've made I could find me some courage To face the day without you by my side And maybe a new heart and a brain to help me out along the way Well this is all a dream I had one night A subconscious image in my mind With a vivid presence not unlike anything that you can touch But in reality I'm just a man With a twister of a past at hand And it feels like I just can't move past all the wreckage of my love
11.
Lately your blue/green eyes have been saying much more than your pretty mouth Lately your body has been gesturing things you're too afraid to shout Like someone please come save me From the pit I've fallen in It's cold and I am lonely And I'm so tired of throwing punches at the wind Lately my blue/orange eyes have changed to shades of cold cranberry red Lately my body has shut down on me like as if I were dead And I see no chance of revival In my heart or in my brain But when I'm with you I feel stable So tell me girl, would agree with me that you feel the same? When then, what if we just ran away Find the place where east meets west and stay And what if we were happy there We could build a world with nothing but tomorrow and each other to call our own Gas the Wagoneer up and let's leave before the sun can see we're gone I'll take the first shift while you lay beside me steadily dreaming on And with some cold coffee in a paper cup I'm feeling footloose and fancy free And I don't care really where we end up Just so long as it's far, far away from St. Louis, Misery Honey let's just run away Find the place where east meets west and stay Cause what if we are happy there We can build a world with nothing but tomorrow and each other to call our own Maybe it's way too far fetched Maybe I'm just dreaming Or maybe it's just the thing to do Maybe it's not the safest bet But sweets I'll keep believing That when you wish upon a star sometimes it comes true What if we just run away Who cares what the people say We'll be off, alone, unchained and free With a future with no history We can build a world with nothing but tomorrow and each other to call our own
12.
Babe, I know that there's forces all around you Trying to break you down right to your bare Babe, I know that there's demon's in the atmosphere Trying to trip you up into their snares But honey, God made me to wrap my arms around you and hold you til the breaking of the dawn So when the walls of life come crashing down upon you and there's no steady ground to plant your feet when there's no more hands reaching out catch you I will not abandon you I will not abandon you I will not abandon you Babe, I know that there's psycho's in our city and they're caught up in some history that's now gone Babe, I know that the nights are now too scary that your sleeping with your lights on and fully clothed So remember that I will be your blanket And my warmth will protect you from the cold So when the storms so thick that you can't see the ending and the tunnels just too deep to see the light When everyone you know throws reason out the window I will not abandon you I will not abandon you I will not abandon you Sometimes our love is circumstantial and sometimes you don't want me at all but I would be naive and foolish to believe you when your pride denies my gentle helping hands
13.
I awoke in a jolt to the sound Of the jarring sirens rebounding Off a nearby home and then directly onto mine I arose to see a sky not blue But green and dark and sad, but lovely The temperature was warm as was the blood around my bones Oh, the city scurried off in worry The children grabbed their favorite toys As the parents all said their Hail Mary's And ducked for cover in the basement But I just sat on my front porch and I waited for salvation Cause if there's gonna be a twister then I've gotta see it And if there's any chance of lift then by god, I wanna be in it Cause I wanna go where Dorothy walked down that yellow road Where nobody knows me, or any of the mistakes that i've made I could find me some courage to face the day without you by my side And maybe a new heart and brain to help me out along the way And then the rain subsided in an instant As if it were almost never there That's when I heard the rumble coming toward me like a train And seven funnels formed before my eyes And ripped right through them railroad ties And as if in a predetermined course headed straight into my arms Oh, I closed my eyes and said a prayer As I was lifted up in the air And when my feet touched down again This black and white life I used to live in was Suddenly now technicolor and I felt I'd seen the face of god Because I made through the twister and somewhere over the rainbow Where the flowers are all little people And my best friend is a scarecrow Cause I wanna go where Dorothy walked down that yellow road Where nobody knows me, or any of the mistakes that i've made I could find me some courage to face the day without you by my side And maybe a new heart and brain to help me out along the way Well this is all a dream I had one night A subconscious image in my mind With a vivid presence not unlike anything that you could touch But in reality I'm just a man With a twister of a past at hand And it feels like I just can't move past all the wreckage of my love
14.
It's funny how something that once seemed so stable Could suddenly just fall apart A classic case of brother Cain betrayin' Abel My word's the spear that pierced through your hearts It's much too late to say my sorry's to your mother Cause you've run away, away with the night Still everyday I say a prayer for my brother's Lord lead him back into your light Where did you go? My brother's a ghost

about

I've spent years saying I would release an album. I burned CD after CD of demos of songs, in different orders, updated demos etc to listen to in the car and critique. As time passed I began to grow out of these songs and in my own way grow bitter toward them. They were songs that were so close to me for so long that drifted away. The hurdle of trying to record them and release them began to haunt me in a way and they shifted from just demos to demons.

All of these songs were recorded over many years as I was learning how to record music. Most of them are poorly mixed and have lyrics that show my age at the time. A few are nothing more than a cell phone recording I made so that I didn't forget the song.

Someday I will most likely finally hunker down and record some of these, but for now, I am putting them to rest by sharing them publicly. Some for the first time ever.

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released May 12, 2020

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Samuel Fickie St Louis, Missouri

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